When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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