my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
