I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
