i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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