Already got asked if we're dating
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
