I bet he comes in French.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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