I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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