just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
