alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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