You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
