I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
