accomplished twins. life is a go
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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