So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
