hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
