I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
