i was rollin on her like bob the builder
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
