you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
