and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
