i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
