I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
