There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
