Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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