Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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