Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
