Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
