Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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