hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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