AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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