I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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