There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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