i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
