yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we're making bets on your personal life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
