oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
