i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
