I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
