fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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