Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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