chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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