I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
