He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
