just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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