I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
