it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
