I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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