The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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