just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
