He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
