Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
