It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
