I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
