porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
