Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
