She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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