How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
