So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am midnight drunk by noon
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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