I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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