All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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