wrigley field is MILF paradise
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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