If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So many bounce houses so little time
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
