I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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