Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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