tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
