I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
