Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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